Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
