i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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