I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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