It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Randomize
