We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
