he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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