I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
so let's talk penis.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
