Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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