so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
