So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
