gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
