I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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