Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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