Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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