dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
