mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize