Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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