I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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