Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
