my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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