Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Randomize
