i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize