Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
