she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
