Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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