I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
