My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
