just tell him i said nine months
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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