Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Are my feet made of real feet?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
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