I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
