Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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