Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
