i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
