drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
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