dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Randomize
