May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
