when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
