The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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