You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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