I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
