1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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