I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
