remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
