those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
