so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
