It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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