The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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