what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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