I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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