our cab driver is having phone sex.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
