You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
