it wasn't lemon gatorade
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Congratulations! We have a period
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