im six kinds of drunk right now
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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