My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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