Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
