mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
