1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
