I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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